“I Hate Mother’s Day”
This is something I actually texted Seth two years ago. I was sitting in my chair at church as all the mother’s were getting a round of applause. I had an anxiety attack in my seat that morning as the pastor acknowledged the mothers.
When I tell people I have a difficult time with this holiday most people assume this is because, “I don’t like kids”, or “Maybe she can’t have children?”.
Neither are true.
My animosity towards this day has nothing to do with children at all. But rather the relationship (or lack thereof) that I had with my own mother.
In today’s thinks I want to share with you guys about why I feel the way I do. I also want to share with you how I have been able to move forward from some of the pain in the last two years.
If you have read My Sexual Abuse Story and How I Forgave My Abuser then you already know that my mother played a very large role in this. I had gone to her for help asking to be removed from my abusive piano teacher, but was forced to continue “lessons” with this person for nearly 4 years. My mother was well aware that my teacher was sexually abusing me. However, my mother found her reputation and the free stuff she received from this person to be more important than my well being.
What I didn’t tell you guys in that blog, was that years later (2014). I confronted my mother about the situation. I had flown her over from Japan to visit me when I was living in Delaware. Since we had a long drive from Philly airport, I wanted to have a heart to heart with her. I asked why she didn’t make my teacher stop. I was shocked to hear her unapologetic response.
“Well, remember I sat in on one of your lessons and she didn’t do anything to you. And it was so many years ago.”
She said, trying to change the subject. I knew at this point that she had not felt any remorse for what had happened to me. Because of this, I did not bother to ask her why she didn’t take me to the hospital when I begged to be taken to a rehab facility for my anorexia (Healing from Spiritual Abuse and Forgiving My Abusers).
Motherhood and Mistrust
I wish that I could say that I have a healed relationship with mother. Most of us who have been though anything like this probably wish this as well. However, I’m sure you know as well as I do that sometimes this is not possible.
In fact, if the people who have hurt us truly turned a new leaf, we may reconsider letting them back into our lives.
I have had to ask for forgiveness so many times in my life. And should anyone have hurt me and wanted to change, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for people who are honest. I truly believe people can change no matter how far they’ve gone.
But sadly there will be people who “apologize” only to manipulate others
You have probably heard so many false promises only to be stabbed in the back as well. There’s no other way to describe this other than, excruciating pain.
For the last year and a half, my life has been in a constant learning process. I have had to go through the stages of grief, realize my own short comings, and set healthy boundaries. Through this process I have also been able to learn positivity even in the most difficult situations.
This has also required me to let go.
To let go of my hopes that one day I would have a mother who cares,
To have a mother I could have a healthy conversation with,
To have a mother who is honest.
I know that is not in the picture for me.
Accepting this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But it was also one of the most freeing.
I will admit this took a while. But after being able to embrace the reality that my mother was not going to be there for me, it opened up my heart to something else.
I finally realized there are truly amazing women in my life who have stepped up to be who I need.
There were also “Spiritual Moms” in my life who had been there for me all along who had been praying for me in my darkest struggles.
Looking back and seeing my life now, I cannot be more grateful for these women.
I think about Summer, who was there for me when I lived in Atlanta. She sat and listened without judgment.
Donna, who literally held me and prayed as I cried after being rejected by my family.
My sister, Julie, who has showed me time and time again that mothers can be safe people.
There are so many more strong mothers who have chosen to be there for me.
I’m not saying that the void will ever go away.
I’m not saying the hurt never shows up again.
I’m not saying that I no longer have panic attacks or nightmares.
Do I still have a difficult time on Mother’s Day? Yes.
However, what I am saying is that there are genuine people who care, love, and want to support you.
And many of these wonderful people, Are Moms.
Happy Mother’s Day