A Week Inside My Head

Monday

Time to wake up.
It’s going to be a good day.
Man, I have to pee really bad!
Time to hit the gym!
…or sleep in…
No gym! Gym is a good idea.
Morning routine stuff

Man that customer reminded me of someone I want to forget about…
lunch, laundry, cleaning
Where did the day go?
Study theory comparisons
Wait…where’s my notes?
It’s definitely time for bed!
I hope I can sleep tonight…

Where am I?
I’m in my old house.
But I’m not a kid…I don’t feel safe…
No! I want out of here!
They’re here I want out!!!
Wait, why am I afraid of them?
I’m an adult now.
This is terrifying, I need to get out of here!
I’m running
I didn’t know I could run this fast!
I got away!
I’m safe…

Wait…What’s she doing here?
GET HER OUT!!!!!
Leave me alone!
You already ruined my life once! 
Don’t touch me!

*gasp*

She’s in my room! 
She’s here!
She wont go away

GET HER OUT!!!

Seth! I need to call the police!
She’s here!
Wait… is anyone here in our house?
No one?
Ok… I guess I was dreaming again…

Tuesday

Time to wake up
This time I’m really awake.
My fitbit says I was restless 28 times last night…
Well that didn’t beat my high score of sleepless nights yet.
I really hope she’s not here though
what if she’s…
That’s crazy
You haven’t seen here in over 10 years…

I have a lot to do today!
Way too much…
I am so in over my head
I can’t do any of this!
No I can
I can do this
No I can’t!!!!!
Ugh!
One thing at a time, Joy
One thing at a time
I didn’t do everything I wanted to today…
I’m a terrible person
Why am I this way?
What’s wrong with me???
I should really go out of the house tonight

No

What if I see someone I know and they think I’m crazy
Stay home, just stay home.
Study
Focus, focus, focus…

Breathe

I should blog
I need to clear my head by writing some “thinks”
Who is that? Is anyone there?
No one…
I felt like she was in here
I feel sick…
I must be having another flashback, again.
Ok, I am crazy
I’m tired…

Wednesday

*buzzzz*

Hu?… Oh it’s morning…
God, I can’t do this…
I don’t remember anything from today….
I answered a lot of calls and emails….
I think I went to the gym…
I think I showered after…
I smell clean, so I must have…
I need to go somewhere…
I feel like I never woke up today
Could use some coffee or something
What if people think I’m crazy…
That’s stupid, they don’t know that I had a nightmare
They can’t see inside my head
But what if they can?
What if people can see right through me…
That I’m vulnerable…
That I’m weak…

I’ll take a tall, coconut, caramel, macchiato, and make that light on the ice too. Thanks!

Aaah! It’s good to treat myself.
Ok, time to focus. Research paper due in two days…
I’ve seriously been here for three hours
I’ve written three pages of materials already but I’m not fast enough…
You’re so SLOW why can’t you do anything right?
You are complete disposable trash…

Ugh! Shut up!!!
Man I can’t believe I went there again…Why?
It’s ok…
Forgive yourself, forgive yourself….
Don’t let their words be your words

Breathe, Joy, breathe

Three pages down two more to go…
Oh they’re closing?
I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was this late!

That worship song from church is playing in my car.
Man I needed that…
Thanks God…
I don’t feel like sleeping.
But I should
Maybe I’ll put a sleep mask on and…..

Thursday

I have to get up, NOW!
NOW! NOW! NOW!
He’s going to kill him!
He’s too little!

Are you serious?
Another nightmare…
Fitbit says… 16 times restless
Well, not as bad as the night before.
I really need a hug.
Thanks Seth, thanks cats
Man I really am the crazy cat lady.
Morning stuff done
Work working worked
Wow today went by fast
I should clean the house…
I don’t want to end up like…

Ugh Seriously???

Stop invading my thoughts
time to blast some music
Where’s my phone
NGEN Radio
That Mineo song though, is DOOOOPEEEE!!!
The only thing I fear is God an He on my side!!!!!!
I can’t rap…seriously
Awe hey Mowgli hey Vader
Oh it’s that Lecrae and Tori Kelly song
When you got nobody to turn to, hold on and I’ll find you
Love that.
Wow it’s super late…
I gotta sleep

Friday

*BZZZZZZ*

Woah….
That was a weird dream.
At least it wasn’t a night mare.
Always wanted to know what its like to fly
Morning stuff is awesome
Gym is awesome! Coffee is awesome! Jesus You’re awesome!
I love my husband
I love my cats
I love my job
I love my life

Yeah it’s Friday!
Nothing can go wrong!

YEESSSSS!!!

*queue warriors by imagine dragons*
WEEEEEE are the warriors that built this town!!!!!
work
work

oh wait..

This sucks
Why do I feel sad
It’s a good day
I didn’t have bad dreams
It’s almost the weekend.

God, help I’m sinking again

Why am I crying?
I feel so depressed
I feel so worthless

What have I done with my life?

Nothing
You’ve done nothing Joy
You are a complete waste of life
What’s worse is you’re more problems than help to everyone around you

What am I worth?

Nothing
The world makes no difference with you in it or gone
You were a mistake from the day you were born
You should know that more than anyone
It’s a shame you have to live with yourself
SHUT UP!
Oh hey Seth…
Ya… I’m ok
Just having another one of my moments
God, what’s wrong with me?
I can’t do this by myself…

Jesus, please speak life over me

 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

It’s going to be ok
It’s going to be ok
Your thoughts are just thoughts
You are in a safe place
It’s going to be ok

I need a good laugh
Where’s that ridiculous Miranda Sings episode, She’s hilarious
That was nice

Wait… what about my assignments
*frantically shuffling through course outline*
….
I’m a week ahead?
Seriously Joy, you freak out too much…
Maybe I can do this!
I CAN do this!

 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Phillipans 4:13

I CAN!

Saturday

*yawn*
Why did I sleep in so late?
Oh ya, I had a nightmare again at 3 am… that’s why
I’m so lazy
No, stop that
Not today

Chill!
It’s Saturday
You aren’t missing any appointments with anyone
You don’t have anything scheduled for this morning
It’s ok
You are allowed to relax

Breathe
I could use some coffee though
I’ll need to stay awake while I run errands
I think we’re out of dish soap
Should probably pick up some groceries while I’m out
That’s the same can of soup that was in my house when I was a kid.
I hate that can so much
Stupid can of soup
Reminds me too much of that time…

CHILL!
It’s just a can!
Seriously, sometimes I question my sanity…
Oh look a lama coffee mug!
That’s hilarious!

*Buzzz*

OH MY GOSH!
Trying so hard not to laugh too loud in public
I can’t believe she just text me that
Laughing is good for the soul though
So are good friends
God, thanks for the people you put in my life.

Oh man… do I go to the check out line or self checkout
I’m so nervous…
Self check out
Self check out

NO!

Be brave
Face your fears
You’re not in a hurry and there’s a line open
Just GO!

Uh…. Hi…
How’s your day
That’s nice
I’m alright, thanks
Joy, stop talking, you’re making them uncomfortable!
Uh… Have a really nice day!
See that wasn’t so bad.

Are you serious???
I had mascara on my nose this WHOLE TIME???
No wonder they were laughing…
I’m such an idiot…
This is so embarrassing…wait, hold up…
YOU made them laugh
Maybe they needed it
But I can never go back there again

EVER

That’s stupid… I’ll be back at Target next week..
Why am I so awkward…

Sunday

God, I’m so exhausted…
Please speak to me through the message today.
How did the worship team know I needed that song?

How wonderful, how glorious
My Savior’s scars victorious
My chains are gone, my debt is paid
From death to life and grace to grace

Oh man… I’m crying…

I am surrounded
By the arms of the father
I am surrounded
By songs of deliverance

This one too!
God please heal me daily and mend the parts of me that are broken.
Thank you for getting me through this week.
Help me to fight through another.
You are my hope, You are my strength…

 

To be continued…

 

Hey!
18951054_10154466519871481_1138267714172301242_nThanks for reading this weeks “thinks”. This week I wanted to share with you guys the reality of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. By the way, if you read to this point, thanks for sticking around! People always tell me that, “Joy you’re so happy! I wish I had as much happiness as you!”. While I truly am happy, there are some days that I only make it through becaus God was guiding each one of my steps. To be honest, I was quite terrified of writing this post because I was afraid of being judged for being “weak”.  I am not perfect and to me the struggle is real. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with depression and anxiety. And unfortunatly due to the things that happened to me as a child, I suffer from PTSD (I talked about some of my childhood in the post My Sexual Abuse Story and How I Forgave My AbuserPlease feel free to read it).
If I’m honest, there are some days, a lot of days, that I allow these things to controle me, but I am constantly reminded that they do not define who I am.
They also don’t define you.
You ARE loved
You ARE valued
You ARE enough

Thank you again so much for reading my “thinks”! Much love to everyone. See you next week!

Joy

PS
If you are feeling hopeless, having suicidal thoughts, or depressed there is no shame in reaching out for help. You are so worth it!

Call 1-800-273 TALK (8255) or Text CONNECT to 741741

 

 

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