You might be wondering if this is an actual question or how I answered the person who was asking this. To answer your curiosity, yes that is an actual question someone has asked me before in which I awkwardly responded, “Have you seen 19 kids and counting?”. As strange as it might be for someone to ask, I can completely understand why they would wonder this.
If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I had a very strict, religious, and very “homeschool” upbringing. Which by the way, if you have stuck with me this far, thank you! Hopefully by now we’ve gotten pretty comfortable with one another. You also haven’t run away yet…so, Yay! Pull up a chair, lets talk!
Why would someone ask that?
The reason that I’m not surprised why I was asked this question is due to the common “Christian” stereotypes that are often too true.
Example: Girl has an extreme conservative upbringing. No sex education is taught, the parents wouldn’t dare speak of “such a thing”. Homeschool materials are also not known for their specialized courses, or if they are offered, the parents may choose to eliminate them all together. The girl gets a church “boyfriend” and ends up getting pregnant. The teenage girl is then outcast from the church (worse, by her parents) or the two are forced to marry without a clue of how they even got to where they’re at in the first place.
Pretty messed up stuff, I know. Although I know there are plenty of amazing Christian families and churches that are in NO WAY even close to the example, I can sadly relate to the negative side of things. Even though Seth and I stayed abstinent until marriage, we both definitely had our experiences with “parking”. Sadly, I had no idea who to go to when we both felt guilty. I was terrified of talking about sex with any of the “Christians” that I knew at the time because of the judgment I might receive.
My personal experience with sex education involved my mother crying after I had my first menstrual period at 11.
I was taken to a Burger King to have “the talk” in which I told her I already knew, that someone had already told me, and ended with her crying some more. We ended up not talking about sex at all and in fact we didn’t really talk about anything. By this point in my life, my parents had no clue who I was. My “knowing” was actually due to watching a sexual assault scene from a 70’s James Bond film, seeing animals in heat, and a talk with another one of my preteen friends. By the way the rape scene I saw I think I was about 5, ya that’s not appropriate at all. By the time I had started my first menstrual period at 11, I had been sexually abused by my piano teacher already for just a little over 2 years. As I got older there were other things available, like the internet (porn) to answer my questions. There was no other talk of sex in the home other then accusations made by my father that I was a “whore” when I wanted to wear a skirt that didn’t cover my calves. For my wedding, I received a book from my mother about “Christian Intimacy” complete with illustrations of people in the worst sex positions I have ever heard of. The book had to have been at least 30 years old. The pages were a rusty orange color and smelled like it had been in an attic for about the same amount of years. I made two observations from this book, the hilarious hairstyles of the authors on the preface page, and that clearly whoever wrote this book didn’t have a very exciting sex life. In conclusion, Seth and I got a few laughs and of course threw the book away. And, ya I still hate Burger King.
Why are you telling me this?
As I mentioned earlier, there are some pretty amazing Christian and Non-Christian parents that are doing the “parent thing” right. I know there are no such things as perfect parents, but you are aware of what your kids are up to. You are available to give spiritual and practical life advice when your kids/teens need it. Keep doing what you’re doing, you have no idea how many kids only dream of having parents like you. But sadly I know there are plenty of kids that are in the same boat I was in. Confused and traumatized by the idea of even mentioning sex to anyone. My purpose for this post is to those who may be terrified of “this topic”.
Sex is awesome!
Yes, kids, you heard me right. Sex is amazing! It is literally the bringing together of two beings in the most intimate way possible physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Which is why it’s so special. And not in a “I cry every time after sex and write poems” kind of way. It’s truly the most connected you will ever be to another human being.
If it’s so amazing, why is it so taboo?
The best answer I can come up with for this one is that, let’s face it, it’s awkward to talk
about. It’s also something that should be valued and not seen as something that should be easily given out. I’m not going to lecture you to death with my personal stance on waiting. Me personally though, I think you should wait. Why? For one, I’m a Christian and I believe that God created sex to be an intimacy that is shared only between two people who are committed for life and vow to love and commit to each other until “death do us part”. God sees it as pretty sacred too. No, there are no “choirs of angels” that sing over you when you have intercourse… that would just be weird… However in scripture it’s often seen as an eternal bond between two committed people who will share their lives together in every way, not just sexually. Just read the book of Song of Solomon, and you’ll know what I’m talking about. If we don’t see eye to eye on this part of my post, I just want to say that I respect your views. Not everyone thinks like I do, and I completely understand that. My views don’t make me better than anyone either. But for the next few minutes, I’ll share with you some of my personal “thinks” on sex.
You said Sex is physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually intimate? What do you mean?
Welp… it’s obviously physical…
Aaaand that concludes this week’s blog post. Ok thanks bye!
I’m totally kidding!
Obvious things aside sex is psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually intimate. We’ve already established there are no “Angelic Choirs” that are magically going to appear but psychologically, there’s a lot that will happen in your bodies. There are 4 chemicals produced in your body when intercourse takes place, Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Vasopressin (in males). Dopamine and Serotonin work pretty similarly in that they both have to do with mood. Dopamine is a pleasure chemical that your brain produces when it experiences pleasure. Serotonin is a chemical that stabilizes our moods and creates a state of tranquility. It can sometimes even be viewed as a “spiritual” element. This chemical is often used in drugs such as anti depressants to give the individual a sense of tranquility and peace. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone that is also created when a woman is pregnant.The hormone is found to keep the mother and baby in tune with each other. This hormone is also found in males and females during and after intercourse. If you’ve ever seen a newborn interact with their mother you will know that this hormone is pretty intense. In fact if the mother’s body does not produce enough oxytocin, there can be complications with the baby’s care. Vasopressin is the “protective chemical” that is produced in males. It lets him know that there is an attachment between the two people.
Is sex like what I see in the movies?
I know you’re probably bored with all the nerdy science details, so lets move on to the next thing. Expectation vs Reality. Society often has a way of making love and sex look a lot more dramatic than it is in real life. Somehow a man and woman meet on a ship, fall in love, have sex, one dies, and the other vows to “never let go” forever. Oh wait, that’s the Titanic. But have you seriously ever wondered if Jack and Rose ever talked about paying rent, grocery shopping, and who was going to take out the trash? They probably didn’t have time because they only knew each other less than a week. Do you see what I’m saying? Movies have a way of making things look a lot less realistic than what really happens in life. Watch any teen flick that has any type of description of sex. Usually the “first time” is described as this wild, fireworks, “special moment”. Nobody talks about the awkwardness, pain, or the million questions running through your mind and constant wondering “Am I doing this right”. Sure sex is fantastic. But trust me, the first few times, neither of you have a clue of what you’re doing. Sex can also be painful the first few times. And if your mom hasn’t told you this, it’s a good idea to have a maxi pad available incase you need it after. Seth and I still laugh about our “first time”, because truthfully it was quite hilarious. Even though we laugh about it, I wouldn’t have wanted to share that moment with anyone else. It was special. Sure it was awkward, but we’ve learned together and laughed together. To me there’s nothing more special than committing to the one partner that will love you for life.
But what about the, you know, “Test out the car” theory?
As I mentioned earlier, not everyone is going to agree with my views. But here’s my personal take on the theory. If you are 100% committed to making the other person happy and feel loved, you will find every way possible to make sure your partner is satisfied. I got a lot of slack for this when I first got married from various “experts”. I say that in quotations because the critics were usually people who had several failed marriages and/or people who were not satisfied with their current relationship. Yes, I literally had people mad at me for getting married without having sex first. I’ll talk about marriage a little more in a later post, but let me say this now. Do not listen to them. If you and your significant other are choosing to wait until you’re married, that’s your choice. It’s no one else’s business. Sure it’s not very common, but that’s not for everyone else to decide. Make your choices because you made them not because I or someone else told you what to do.
Guard your heart
It hurts to see teens and young adults getting their hearts broken by someone who promised to give them everything, including sex. Sex is a pretty incredible thing and sure it can be a lot of fun, but it’s not meant to be a weapon. Regardless of if you agree with me on my views about abstinence until marriage, I do want to leave you with this one thought. Be careful who you share your intimacy with. Not everyone is out there for your best interest. People can make empty promises and not feel the least bit of guilt about it. Some people may say that sex isn’t such a big deal, yet we find ourselves upset when someone is unfaithful in the relationship. Remember all that science stuff we talked about a few minutes ago, sure it has a lot to do with it, but it goes beyond that. God created you with a design and purpose in mind. You are not a recreational object, but a valued soul. You are more than a few moments of excitement, you are a whole life full of stories. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be a part of your story rather than just a few moments of pleasure. Someone that cares for you and will protect your heart with everything they have.
A word to the parents
I just want to say to all of the parents out there who are talking to their kids about sex, Thank you! I know that may seem like a weird thing to be thanked for, but really you should know that you’re doing the right thing. Too many kids are left to their peers, school, or even porn to teach them what sex is. So thank you for being a parent!
I also am aware that there might be some that are offended by this post. I would like to say that I have no intention of offending anyone, but rather informing people of reality. You may be concerned about, “But what if my kid sees this post?”. I would just like to say that if your child was able to search the internet with the word “sex” in it and there are no filters on their internet access (Phones, tablets, laptops, etc.), they have already seen much worse things. The average age a child is first exposed to pornography is age 11. This is across the board for males and females. If you have not thought about it already, please talk to your kids about sex. Sure it’s going to be awkward and no you will not be “cool”. But keep in mind that you gave up you’re “cool rights” once you decided to become a parent. If we wanted someone “cool” to raise them, we might as well let their friends do all of the talking. And sadly, that’s what has happened to a lot of the kids today. Your “talk” could be the difference of how your child values themselves and others.
As always, thanks for reading my “thinks”. I look forward to hearing from you and talking to you next week!